By Petra Laila Now that my oldest, Chris, is 13, I have found that I need to change in how I communicate with him. He is not the child he was a few years back. All of a sudden, he is taller than me. How time has flown! It seems like just yesterday he was a constantly active two-year-old, getting into everything. Like most parents, I suppose, my tendency has been to think that I instinctively know what’s best for my children, and to take action accordingly. That worked well enough when Chris was small, but now that he’s reached a stage where he wants to make more of his own decisions, I’ve found that I need to take a different approach and involve him more in the decision-making process—to treat him less like a child and more like a teammate. When an issue comes up, it’s more important than ever that I take time to listen to his ideas and understand both his viewpoint and his needs, as well as to explain mine. Then we try to come up with a solution together that will be good for both of us, as well as for anyone else involved. When I fall into my old habit of trying to tell him what to do without considering his side, he feels squelched, pulls away, and misses a learning opportunity—and I lose his full cooperation. But when I remember to consult rather than give orders, things go well, he takes another step toward learning to make wise, responsible, loving decisions, and our bonds of love and mutual respect are strengthened. *** Making the transition from childhood to adulthood can be like walking a tightrope, and teens need someone there, a parent or other strong role model, to help them find their footing and steady them as they cross over. When my children reached their teens, I tried to guide them through the decision-making process, but then I’d have them make their own decisions. They’d often try to get me or their mother to make the decision for them, so they wouldn’t have to take the blame if things went wrong, but I would tell them, “Don’t ask me. You know what’s right and wrong. What do you think you should do?” Afterwards they were usually glad that we made them decide, because they knew that was the way it was supposed to be and it helped them feel trusted and respected, which is a very important thing at that age.—D.B. Berg Excerpted from Activated magazine. Used with permission.
0 Comments
By Laila Enarson While living in Gambia, West Africa, my five-year-old son Chris and I went on a trip to the village of Sintet, where our group of volunteers from the Family International was helping to build a school. I had enjoyed the thrilling tales told by co-workers who had returned from there, so when I heard that a team needed to make a one-and-a-half-day trip to the village I jumped at the chance to go. For most of the trip, all I could hear was Chris’s excited voice saying things like, “What’s this? Oh, Mommy—look! Can you take a photo of me on the termite hill?” The rainy season was just beginning to transform the dry West African bush into gorgeous green. The country around us was full of enchanting beauty—a mix of low rolling hills, rice paddies, coconut trees, and ponds. Farmers peacefully tilled the land. Along the way, we enjoyed delicious local food, explored a thick swamp full of towering termite hills and giant baobab trees with trunks often thicker than our car. As we drove up the dirt road lined with cashew trees that led to Sintet, we could see a large crowd gathered at the school site straight ahead. Two of our volunteers, Joe and Richard, had arrived ahead of us and were already at work directing the construction. Village children crowded around our jeep and flashed gorgeous, white-toothed smiles. As soon as Chris got down from his seat, the village kids surrounded him and helped him get acquainted with everything. The other kids had been pushing around toy cars made of cut-up plastic bottles, the rubber soles of broken flip-flops, and sticks. With the children’s help, Chris soon had his very own car and was pushing it over anthills and through puddles. A crowd of boys ran after him. With no electricity in the village, most people go to bed when darkness falls, and so did we, in our small tent under the star-filled sky. Day two at Sintet was just as much fun. I prepared my materials for the morning class I would be teaching the village’s younger children, and Dad helped me find a nice quiet spot in front of a baobab tree to give the class. We sang some songs, and then I told the story of Creation, using movable flannel figures on a flannel-covered board. This was high-tech to these children. Finally I reviewed some basic scholastics. Chris did a great job as my assistant teacher. Then the children led us to fields where they showed us several large monkeys at play and a huge snake that hung from a tree branch high above us. They also treated us to a yellow and red moon-shaped fruit we had never seen before, which they called tao. To “pick” the fruit, the children climbed the large tao tree and swung from its highest branches. As they were about to begin, one of the boys who had stayed earthbound said, “We must go! The fruit will hit us!” And he was so right! Fruit began raining down all around us. A few of the kids stuck with Chris and me until the very end of our visit. Many of these dear children had at first seemed quite tough because of the hardships they face every day. As we got to know them, we saw that inside their tough exteriors were tender hearts, like sponges just waiting to soak up love. Chris and I gave them as much attention as we could. Some even began to call me “Mom,” which said in their own special way how much they appreciated the love and attention we were giving them. To me, this was just as fulfilling as seeing the progress that was being made on the school construction. All too soon, it seemed, we were home again. My visit to Sintet with Chris had been an extraordinary cultural experience. What made this trip so special is that I shared the experience with my son. We learned a lot together and lived what many people only read about in schoolbooks or see on TV. You don’t have to visit a village in the African bush to have a bona fide cultural experience or to reach out to those in need, of course. Today they’re everywhere! Most modern cities are melting pots of various races, each with something special to offer. All it takes to make new friends is a little initiative. Add a little love and concern, and you truly bring your worlds together. Courtesy of Activated magazine. Used with permission. Photo © 123rf.com ![]() In addition to reading Bible stories and passages with your children, another aspect of teaching them God’s Word is helping them commit important Bible verses to memory. Knowing God’s Word gives us a better understanding of the Lord and His ways, and memorizing His promises helps us grow in faith and know where to find comfort and answers in difficult times. You might be surprised at the differences in behavior that will soon become apparent once you start teaching your children about the Bible and showing them how to apply the principles in God’s Word to their little lives. Help your children realize that they make Jesus happy when they read His Words and obey them. If they do something unloving, for example, you can remind them, “Jesus wants us to be loving. Remember what He said? ‘Love one another.’” Then, “What can you do now to be more loving to so-and-so and make things right?” Or if they are worried or afraid, you can remind them: “God is taking care of you, and we’re praying, so you don’t have to be afraid. Remember, God said, ‘Fear not, for I am with you.’” You will no doubt find many opportunities to bring these basic verses to life. It’s easy for little children to commit Bible verses to memory, especially if you teach them in a fun way. *** What Is Feed My Lambs? Feed My Lambs is a program that introduces young children to the Scriptures. It doubles as a complete memorization course. Feed My Lambs makes learning about the primary principles in the Bible and memorizing verses from the Bible easy and fun for young children. The course includes six books with 90 simplified Bible verses, each with a lively illustration that helps relate the verse to everyday life. The Bible verses in the Feed My Lambs course have been adapted for young children from the King James Version in consultation with several translations of the Bible, primarily the New King James Version and the New International Version. Much prayer and attention has been given to simplifying the vocabulary for young children while retaining the meaning, and several translations were carefully examined for each verse. Click here to read/download one of these books. To buy the entire set, click here. Excerpted from "Feed My Lambs: Guide for Parents and Teachers", © Aurora Productions
Excerpted from the writings of Maria Fontaine
Part of helping your children to grow and mature is teaching them how to make the right choices in a variety of situations, and allowing them to have the exposure or experiences that will bring their lessons to life. The sooner you can teach them how to be discerning and make the right decisions on their own, the safer they will be and the better prepared they will be for the decisions they alone can make. A practical example of this is if you have a pool on your property. You might build a fence around it to avoid accidents, but you’d also want to teach your child to swim, and over time help him become a strong swimmer. The fence is protecting him initially, but you’re also preparing him to handle water safely by teaching him to swim. Imparting these life lessons cannot happen solely in the classroom. These “life lessons” are learned over time, and require lots of communication and discussion and experience in order for children to understand and to grow in these areas. These experiences and lessons will make them wiser, stronger, more well rounded, more mature, more perceptive and understanding, and will help them to be much better equipped for life. Experience is good for your children and prepares them for life, if you help them to learn through it. What does it mean to prepare children for life? It means giving thought to how to help your children progress through the natural stages of growth and development, being aware and abreast of what their peers are into or facing, and preparing your children for times when they may have to face similar things. It means teaching your children to have courage when they’re faced with difficult situations, and how to approach new situations responsibly and with confidence. It means teaching your children how to judge what’s right and wrong, and how to act with integrity, self-discipline, conviction, love, tolerance, and strength of character. These are life lessons that you impart to your children because they are components of good character that will help to set your child’s moral compass for life. Those childhood character-building lessons will serve them well throughout life, and you parents are key instructors in educating your children in this way, because through imparting your personal convictions and values, you are helping your children to find the right direction in their life. It’s well worth the effort to do your best to teach your children how to make their way through the negative or questionable aspects of society, to accurately judge right from wrong, and to base their decisions and actions on godly ethics and perspective. Children today face many influences, and they will face more in the course of life. Some will be positive, some will be negative, and many will be somewhere in between. You might want to spend some time discovering what your children are facing that you might not have been aware of. You could talk to others that your children interact with and ask them for their opinion. Being prepared is far better than being surprised, and by giving time and thought and discussion to the possibilities, you can be better prepared for the various scenarios your children might face in the future, or that they are possibly already facing. It’s only natural that children will sometimes make poor or wrong decisions, because they’re experimenting and still learning to apply the training you’ve given them. That’s why your active involvement in their lives as they encounter influences, fulfilling your responsibility to counsel them through the questions and help them determine how to make good decisions, provides them with ongoing “preparation training.” It’s teaching them how to live the theory of their character education in their everyday lives. Focus on helping them to develop personal conviction, teaching them how to make good decisions even when faced with peer pressure or other difficult situations, and building lines of open communication so that you will be able to guide them through the circumstances they will encounter. ![]() By Family Education and The National Association for the Education of Young Children New insights into brain development affirm what many parents and caregivers have known for years: 1) good prenatal care, 2) warm and loving attachments between young children and adults, and 3) positive stimulation from the time of birth make a difference in children’s development for a lifetime. Ever look at a baby and wonder what she’s thinking? Well, there’s a lot more going on in there than previously thought. According to the newest brain research, babies’ brains begin crackling with activity before they’re even born! At birth, an infant’s brain houses 100 billion nerve cells, or neurons. Immediately, connections—or synapses—between the cells form as the baby experiences her surroundings and makes attachments to caregivers. This network of neurons and synapses controls various functions, such as seeing, hearing, and moving. If a child’s brain is not stimulated from birth, these synapses don’t develop, impairing her ability to learn and grow. The impact of environmental factors on a young child’s brain development is dramatic and specific, not merely influencing the general direction of development, but actually affecting how the intricate circuitry of the human brain is “wired.” How humans develop and learn depends critically and continually on the interplay between an individual’s genetic endowment and the nutrition, surroundings, care, stimulation, and teaching that are provided or withheld. Warm and responsive early care helps babies thrive and plays a vital role in healthy development. What does this mean for parents? Practice these four parenting tips which will help ensure a child’s healthy brain development and emotional stability for years to come. 1. Be warm, loving, and responsive: Studies show that children who receive responsive caregiving, such as touching, rocking, talking, and smiling, cope with difficult times more easily when they are older. They get along better with other children, and perform better in school than kids who are less securely attached. 2. Talk, read, and sing to your child: Communicating with your child gives him a solid basis for learning later. Talk and sing about daily events. Read stories in a way that encourages older babies and toddlers to participate by answering questions, pointing to what they see in a picture book, or by repeating rhymes and refrains. 3. Encourage safe exploration and play: While many of us think of learning as simply acquiring facts, children learn through playing. Blocks, art, puzzles, and play-acting are some activities that help children develop curiosity, confidence, language, and problem-solving skills. Let your child choose many of her own activities. If she turns away or seems uninterested, put it aside. Let her pick it up again later when she’s interested. 4. Use discipline as an opportunity to teach: It is normal for children to test rules and to act impulsively at times. Parents need to set limits that help teach children, rather than punish them. For example, tell your child what behavior is acceptable and communicate positively: say, “Feet belong on the floor, please,” instead of “Get your feet off the chair!” ![]() By Mary Roys, a parenting life coach in Southeast Asia Each December I ask my children, Toby and Kathy, now seven and nine, to go through their toys and clothes and set aside what they have outgrown or no longer use. Then I check what they’ve selected, weeding out worn-out items and exercising my veto power in a few cases, and box up the best of the rest to give to others who have less than we do. Besides instilling in the children a spirit of giving, I have found this to also be an effective way to trim down on clutter and put “gently used” items that they no longer need or want to good use. Last Christmas both of my children seemed more materialistic about the holiday—more focused on the presents they were hoping to receive, and less inclined toward giving. I wondered why, as well as whether or not they were aware of their change in attitude. I decided to take an indirect approach. “What do you think is the true meaning of Christmas?” Of course they knew that Christmas is a celebration of Jesus’ birthday, but they stopped at that. “On the first Christmas, did God give us only His rejects?” I asked. “No,” Toby replied thoughtfully. “He gave us the very best He had—His most special treasure.” “And that is the true spirit of Christmas,” I explained. “To give of our best to others, like God gave us His best to us.” The kids thought about this for a bit and then came up with a plan to give away some of their favorite toys, rather than just the ones they were tired of. Toby chose to give some of his favorite Matchbox cars, and Kathy decided to give one of her dolls. We packed these with the rest of the items we had set aside, and I took the children with me when I dropped off our Christmas donations. Instilling values in my children is one of my greatest responsibilities as a parent, and teaching them to think of others before themselves is a big part of that. Giving sacrificially shouldn’t be a once-a-year occurrence, of course, but Christmas is a perfect opportunity. Originally published in Activated! magazine. Used with permission.
![]() One of the common myths of modern parenting is that giving children whatever they want and letting them do whatever they want will make them happy in the present, and in the long run teach them to make the right choices. According to this school of thought, children who are indulged in this manner will grow into happy and productive, free-spirited, independent adults. Nearly the opposite is true. Children need boundaries. They need clearly defined limits of behavior. They need to be taught moral standards of right and wrong. A spoiled and demanding child becomes a spoiled and demanding adult. Yes, children should be given the freedom to choose for themselves in many matters, but they must also be taught to take responsibility for their choices. When parents are able to make freedom and limitations work together in proper balance, their children learn to make the right choices; they learn independence through guided dependency. The basis of independence through dependency is this: First teach children foundation lessons of obedience, the difference between right and wrong, and the fact that their choices affect others and have good or bad consequences. Then little by little, as they prove themselves responsible in relatively small matters, give them more independence and allow them to make more important choices, all the while monitoring their progress and helping them understand and deal with the consequences of their decisions. This way they gain the independence they want and need, but not before they are prepared to handle it wisely. Once they’ve proven that they can carry a certain responsibility on their own, you need to show your faith in them by not checking up on them constantly, or repeating instructions to them, or quickly taking back the controls even when you feel you would have personally done something a different way. A guided and gradual transition from dependency to independence results in more well-rounded, competent adults who are neither overly dependent upon others, nor so independent that they cannot get along or work well with others. If children are taught from an early age to be responsible for their actions, and lovingly helped to handle the consequences, they will mature quickly and have a strong foundation that will support them through the turbulence of adolescence and a lifetime full of choices, some of which will be very difficult to make wisely. Taken from "Keys to Kids" by Derek and Michelle Brooks. © Aurora Productions. Used with permission.
The Internet has become integrated into daily living, making accessible information that was previously difficult or costly to obtain. From researching educational topics to playing online educational games, looking up reference material, researching how-to aids, finding useful resources, watching video clips, etc., the Internet has increased and enhanced learning opportunities, as well as provided a means to stay in touch with family and friends.
It would be unreasonable to ignore the ways that the Internet can be used for good. At the same time, there is not only great potential for it to be an avenue for ungodly influences, but there are also many practical security and safety issues to consider. Instilling Values Your children are inexperienced, which is why they need your guidance to instill in them the right set of values to apply to their online times. This set of values that you instill in your children, rather than specific rules, will in the long run provide them with the greatest safety measure. One day you will not be there peering over their shoulders checking what they do; before long they will be teenagers and adults and will have to make the choices to do right and to steer away from danger based on personal conviction rather than fear of punishment. You have the privilege of shaping your children’s values and morals; do so wisely. Social concerns Socially, the Web can become a world of its own, representing a wealth of possibility and discovery for children and young people who engage in online activities. Shy children who have a hard time expressing themselves in face-to-face communications may have little difficulty doing so online—or to the contrary the Internet can encourage such shyness, insecurity, and low self-esteem, because it does not provide opportunities for them to grow in their verbal communication and presentation. There is also the danger of Internet addiction, and the concerns of providing your child with a balanced array of experiences and activities to ensure healthy development in all areas of his or her life. It’s important to realize that children need time experiencing life away from the computer and Internet, where they can partake in practical life skills, develop social skills, enjoy outdoor recreation, etc. The computer and the Internet should never replace the fundamentals of a child’s upbringing that provide experience and perspective on life and living it to the full. How Much Time? Aside from safety issues and practical concerns, another area of your child’s Internet usage that you, as parents, should monitor and evaluate is the amount of time that your child spends at a computer. Inordinate or unnecessary exposure to computers at a young age can create an appetite for continual visual stimulation, which can hinder your child’s desire for a physically active lifestyle or your child’s social development. Providing your child with a wide range of real-life activities is in itself one of the most important safeguarding strategies to not only keeping the aforementioned Internet concerns and dangers at bay, but ensuring your child’s healthy development in all areas of his or her life. Childhood is meant to be an active time, filled with fun, activities, adventure, challenges, and thrills—not the lethargy-inducing pull of computers. When children are young, they are forming their mindsets. They are deciding how they will approach life, what they’ll do with their lives, and spending hours in front of a computer is really sad. You have to instill that desire for an active lifestyle by doing activities that keep them stirred up. They’ll balk and want to sit down at the computer, but it’s up to you to find ways to energize their lives, to make them want to go outside and have fun rather than sit in the house all day and waste away. Parental Guidance One of the best methods for controlling what your child is exposed to on the Internet is old-fashioned parental guidance. You know what is appropriate for your child to view and what isn’t. There are a variety of programs available to help parents control the access their children have to the Internet. This type of software is designed for a range of actions, from filtering out sites that are not child friendly to restricting the amount of time that a child spends online. Any filtering systems that you consider for your situation should be in addition to your supervision and the guidelines concerning length of time, purpose of use, etc., that you’ve instituted with your child. The Internet can be a wonderful education and reference tool, and installing software that will filter out inappropriate material will enhance the quality of your Internet searches and online time. If you do decide to install filtering software on the computer your children have access to, you could use this opportunity to teach your child why you are doing so. A danger lies in thinking that after installing such software that your preteens are now safe and no longer need supervision and instruction from you. The software will only do a measure of safeguarding. So while the filtering software will alleviate some concerns, as the parent it is your ultimate responsibility to ensure that your children learn how to protect themselves from inappropriate material later on in life when they may not have filtering or other forms of external constraints. At such times they will also need to have a good understanding and personal conviction as to why inappropriate sites should be avoided. Children need—and appreciate—a clearly defined standard of behavior. Often misbehavior is just a child crying out, “Show me the way!” Here are some tried and proven parenting basics:
1. Set clear boundaries. Set clear boundaries as to what your children are allowed to do at home, and set reasonable punishments for crossing them. You may not have much control over what goes on outside your home, but you can set the standard for acceptable behavior and attitudes inside your own house. 2. Create a link of honest, open communication with your children. If your children are honest with you, you have a much better chance of knowing what goes on when they are away from home. They should feel that they can tell you anything. You may not always agree or allow them to do everything they want to, but they shouldn’t be afraid to confide in you. The secret of establishing such communication is to learn to listen. As a parent, one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is your sincere interest in them and their problems, as evidenced by your undivided attention whenever it’s needed. By simply listening—really listening—you are telling your child: “I want to understand and help you. I think you are worth listening to, and I want you to know that I have faith in you. You can always talk to me because I love you.” Ask questions. When communicating with children—or with anyone, for that matter—asking questions helps to draw them out and shows your concern and interest in them. Get them to talk. And when they are asking you questions, be careful not to overly philosophize, pontificate, or pretend to be something you’re not. Just stay simple! Show love and understanding. And avoid offering any advice that you wouldn’t want to apply to yourself. Learn to present your advice or answers in ways that are as easy as possible for them to accept. 3. Find a balance in what to allow and disallow. Pray for God’s guidance as to what activities are harmless, which ones you need to monitor and limit, and which ones you need to forbid. You will need to find a good balance in the things you allow your children to do, especially when they are away from home. Completely forbidding your older children and teenagers to do certain things might not work and could cause them to rebel and do it anyway behind your back. It may be better to agree on reasonable limits together, and then hold your children to them. 4. Don’t be overly alarmed by outward appearances. Don’t be overly alarmed by behavior that’s different but not bad or harmful. If you show yourself tolerant of things that are perhaps not to your own liking but are basically harmless, then your children will be more apt to comply when you put your foot down about other things that are definitely wrong. You might not like the way your preteen daughter dresses, for example, but that’s not the issue in her eyes. Fitting in with her peers is. Ask God to help you see beyond surface appearances and to give you patience and self-restraint to let relatively trivial matters pass. 5. Expect and allow a certain amount of experimentation. Not all experimentation is bad; it plays a big part in the growing-up process. Try not to overreact when your older children say or do what to you is the unthinkable. Quite often children like to be shocking just for the sake of it, hoping to get a rise out of you. If you show yourself able to take things in stride, many issues will resolve themselves on their own. 6. Let your children know you love them unconditionally. Children who get their needs for love and attention filled at home have far fewer problems. Assure your children that you will continue to love them no matter what they do, and that you will be there for them. Part of that love is not allowing them to do things that you know to be harmful, but at the same time reassuring them that you will never stop loving them. When your children put you to the test and find that your love holds even when they displease you, this helps them feel secure. They will then be more likely to stand up against negative peer pressure and make the right decision next time. 7. Get to know and accept your children’s friends. Win the respect and friendship of your children’s friends, and they may find your home a welcome retreat. The noise level and food bill may go up, but at least you’ll have peace of mind in knowing where your children are and what they’re up to. If you are generally accepting of your children’s friends, then if on occasion you have to limit their association with a particular boy or girl who is affecting them negatively, they’ll be more likely to comply with your wishes. 8. Minimize ungodly influences. Select worthwhile movies, TV shows, music, and computer games for your children when they are young and you still hold the remote control. They may rebel or be drawn to less godly amusements later, but you will have given them a good foundation. Discuss such recreational activities with your older children and make choices together, as much as possible. If your children understand and respect your reasons for not allowing a certain thing, they will be much more apt to comply when you’re not watching. Of course, it is also important to help provide alternative activities that are both fun and worthwhile. 9. Teach your children to have conviction. In order to stand up against negative influences and peer pressure, your children need to know how to explain and defend what they believe—what they consider right or acceptable, and why. They may not always see eye to eye with you, but if they understand your position on the issues and see you have conviction, they will be more likely to buck negative peer pressure. It will also help them know how to explain you to their friends. You can’t expect your children to always do the right thing in difficult situations, but praise them when they do have the conviction to do so. Let them know you understand how difficult that is, and that you’re proud of them. 10. Teach your children consideration. How you treat others, and especially your children, greatly influences how they will treat others. Here are some questions to ask yourself when you are talking to your children: “How would I feel if someone were treating me or talking to me the way I am to my child now? Am I thoughtful about how I talk about other people in front of, or within earshot of my children? Do I tease my children or make fun of them or make jokes about them that could make them feel bad?” Children often argue among themselves—contradicting, belittling, or criticizing what the other has said. Sometimes they are just arguing to be arguing or trying to show their superiority by putting the other one down. Children need to learn that it is not good to put themselves up as being better than someone else. Unless instructed and corrected, children can be especially unkind toward people who have handicaps or obvious physical differences, particularly other children. Learning what not to say and when to ignore something is a very important lesson that children need to learn early in life. Teach your children to treat others as they would like others to treat them should they have that same problem or be in that same embarrassing situation. Often when children realize in some personal way how their actions hurt others, they are more careful about what they say and do, and are generally more thoughtful of others. Excerpted from the book "Keys to Kids" by Derek and Michelle Brooks. © Aurora Productions. Used with permission. The Chinese proverb states, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” This saying can be aptly applied to teaching our youth good problem-solving skills. You may find that it will initially take an investment of time to teach these principles of problem solving to your children, but expect to reap long-term dividends as your children learn to solve problems and make wise choices for themselves. Parents are often amazed to discover how capable and resourceful their children are when given the chance to solve their problems in their own way. All children will inevitably encounter problems of all shapes and kinds in their lives; that’s simply part of growing up. Through dealing with these challenges, they learn problem-solving skills, which are essential to success in life. Kids have unbelievable and largely untapped potential for finding good solutions to their problems. It’s wise to invest time in helping your child develop his or her problem-solving skills. Teaching children how to solve problems is an essential skill that is worth their learning while young, as it will greatly aid them in the future. However, one tendency of parents is to too quickly rectify the problem or too easily provide the answer to the problem. If you try to solve all your child’s problems, you will stunt your child’s ability to solve problems on his own. Don’t take over the fixing of the problem unless you have to. Instead, help the child find the solution. This shows that you have faith in your child’s ability to learn to handle the problem constructively. At first you will have to walk your child through each step of the problem-solving process, and it may take much more time to complete the process than if you had just solved the problem for him or told him the answer. But when you solve your child’s problem, you’re taking away a valuable opportunity for him to learn. The learning process, however slow, is part of a child’s development and growth. Little Sara borrows her friend’s doll, but while playing with it, she rips the doll’s dress. “Mommy, I ripped the doll’s dress!” Sara whimpers. “Don’t worry, Sara, I’ll sew it tonight and you can give it back to Melissa later.” Mom has fixed the problem and Sara is happy. But what did Sara learn from this encounter? “If I have a problem, ask Mommy. She’ll solve it.” So the next time something happens, she will promptly come to Mommy for solving the problem again. In the case of the ripped dress, here’s how it could turn into a problem-solving learning scenario: “Mommy, I ripped Melissa’s doll’s dress!” “Oh my. Yes, that is quite a tear. Hmm, what do you think we should do about it?” “Um, I don’t know. Tell Melissa I’m sorry?” “Well, that would be good to do. But how do you think she’ll feel getting her doll back with a torn dress?” “She might be sad.” “Could we do something to help that?” “Maybe we could fix it? Could we sew the dress?” “Excellent solution! How about tonight you and I work on sewing the doll’s dress?” “Okay!” Mommy has taught Sara how to find a solution to her problem. By helping sew the dress with her mom, Sara is also now a part of the solution. Next time Sara encounters a problem, she may still go to Mommy for help, but she’ll be aware that there will be a way to figure out a solution to the problem, and she’ll realize that she can and should play a part in the solution. As Sara practices this problem-solving method day by day, she will learn to figure out solutions on her own, and will have honed a valuable lifelong skill. Not all problems in life are easily solved, and you will have to help your children understand that, as they encounter bigger challenges. But the daily steps you take to encourage their problem-solving skills will provide them with greater personal resources to cope with the more challenging problems of life as they grow older. Teach your children to take responsibility in finding solutions to their problems, and in so doing, you will be teaching them a valuable skill that will benefit them throughout life. © TFI. Used with permission. |
Categories
All
Archives
March 2024
LinksFree Children's Stories |